dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
