Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
