somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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