It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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