i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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