do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
