seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
