I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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