you're like a bully in the Christmas story
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
