whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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