guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
