Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
