why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
