I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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