Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
