his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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