K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
