Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
