i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
