I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize