she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
