What did we do last night that was yellow?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
