WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
