you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
