Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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