i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
