Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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