You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
