Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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