the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
