I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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