dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got a message the other day that just said “great titsâ€
A gentleman AND a scholar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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