There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
