Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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