She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
