I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
