you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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