These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
