Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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