Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
