is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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