If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
