i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
