his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
