The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I looked at my own cervix.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
