My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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