I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
