I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You may now shotgun with the bride
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
