so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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