What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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