WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize