i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
