I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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