dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
As shirtless as possible
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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