Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
