There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
ttyl tear gas
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
