I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
