Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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