Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
