You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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