so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
