I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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