I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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