life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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