I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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