you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
